Thursday, 5 August 2010

Now with "W00t!"

I feel better about realizing we're getting a little girl, I have to give it to the Viking, he helped by being more emotionally nimble... just this morning when I woke up he had been awake for a while staring at my belly with a dumb smile on his face. He claims he was thinking of when we need to buy her first laptop and how he'll teach her to work Linux shells on an obscure distribution. He was late for work as this prompted me to settle who's in charge of what school subject as I can't do Maths or Physics but can compensate by watching Disney cartoons with her, but no other kind, I hate cartoons in general, if she's a Pokemon kinda gal it's her dad she'll need. We then decided she will be a lawyer or a doctor and were happy she's not a boy as they would be more difficult to steer, that she will swim (DUH considering where she will live) and play (her pink) guitar and take ballroom dancing lessons and will have weekly girly shopping days -I was kind enough to offer my help for that-. He promised he will not utter a word about his passion for ladies' soccer to her as between the hard rock and the programming, adding soccer would rob us of any chance of having a heterosexual child and then grandchildren. I then realized I have plenty of models, I know every episode of the Gilmore Girls by heart! We'll be like that. Minus the teen pregnancy. At least on my part

We also threw in some day dreaming about how sweet she will be taking care of Adam, her baby brother and how he'll take over taking care of her as soon as he hits 12. Then we realized how late he was and I ushered him out the door.

So in essence, there was more of the fluffy mushy stuff and less of the "OMG it's so much longer till V day, what if something happens now?!?" these days.

So "w00t!"

How do we feel?

To be honest right about now all I am feeling is guilty that I am not more picture-perfect-excited if that makes any sense? I'm trying to process it but it's a bit much for now I guess, it's just like it's a new person I have to picture in my head than the one I have done so far, IYKWIM?

Another thing that became crystal clear to us both the second she said "girl" was that we will be trying for another IVF as soon as we can. I didn't think we would and I think that if we would have had a boy I'd be slower to think that way but this way it feels wrong to leave a girl alone in the world. All part of the irrational thought brigade

I figure much of my apprehension stems from how I only raised my brother, he is my only model for this, I haven't even been around babies and children of friends, much less around little girls so I have very little in the way of idea of what I am meant to do with her... I know how to be motherly and friendly and this and that with a boy, is it the same thing? Would another level of closeness and friendship be required, the proverbial mother-daughter tie? See I never had one with my mother and so I wouldn't know... If anything I have been her mother and hence my only reference of parenting a female is disastrous LOL

The Viking is ok, he looked disappointed the first minute or so but then his face beamed and he was all hurt when I implied that maybe he didn't want a girl. He's now making plans for rifles and rocking chairs on porches and just a minute ago sent me this, saying he needs to buy it for her:

Our LHB is a Girl!

I thought I was gonna die of a heart attack this morning, I have been in board rooms with the biggest hot shots of the international telecom arena and never been as nervous as I have been in that waiting room. Not so much for the gender but for all other possible nasty news!

Me: They are now 3, count them THREE minutes late!!!
Viking: 2 and a half but ok.
Me: This is not gonna end well, I'm gonna kill them today.
Viking: Then we'll have free food for you for a while.
Me: Ummm am I meant to eat them?
Viking: No, food in prison.
Me: Ah.
Me: My alternative was better. I'd even share with you.
Viking: Right, I'll see what the hold up is!

And then we entered and she counted the kidneys, toes, parts of the heart and brains and they were amazingly all there! The bones were long enough, the cooking was 2 days ahead and then she turned her attention to her lower half and showed us her legs were crossed. Seeing how that made us draw a sharply disappointed breath she insisted and pushed the probe in all directions possible.

Her: What do you think it is?
Me: I don't know...
Her: What's your gut feeling?
Me: Oh I am pretty sure we're having a boy.
Her: I'm not.
Me: No?
Her: No, I'd rather think a girl.

This left our respective brows curled with uncertainty but before we could phrase a "WTF mate?!?" in a proper way she called us over to see the medical record and there, after it said our baby was properly formed, had enough liquid and all the right parts it said "Flicka". No "probable" no "IMO", no quantifier.

Me: So if you were to tell us a percentage, are you 70% convinced it's a girl or 90%?
Her: Oh I'm not uncertain at all, it's a girl, just can't give it in writing. Well not to you. Congratulations on the little miss.

Here's a picture of our LHB which, to be fair must be a play of light and shades to be this clear of a profile because it looks like an adult's face so it's not right but nonetheless may give us some idea of her tiny fingers is nothing else

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Pink or Blue?

Is there such a thing as online diary writer's block and why do I have one? I'm gonna be so sorry for being so lazy/depressed/in a phunk when the baby comes and I realize I never bothered to write in time, I never documented things.

I check them and obsess about everything extensively, I just don't write them for some reason, it almost feels like all my online time should be spent looking for work so any emailing, forums or FB are a waste and I ought to feel ashamed. I know, bizarre but there you have it.

In the obsession realm I now know I am 41 inches (106 cm!) around my belly when I was 27.5 (70 cm) which is just shocking and I haven't even measured my arse for fear I'd faint in particular since that one doesn't also contain a baby!!!

We were given some bits and some we bought from fleamarkets and cheapo stores and we've spent nearly nothing and yet we now have a Moses basket, a (somewhat unstable but pretty) changing table, a baby gym, an eclectic collection of fluffy toys and quite some baby clothes. I ought to take pictures soon. We're missing a large amount of items though, so very many it's daunting in particular with our financial situation.... It's scary to even think of the tens of types of wipes and nappies and cloths one needs, leave alone major purchases such as cots, prams, baby sitters, car seats, electric pumps to name just a few of the essentials we don't own!

This will be tight.... The Viking keeps muttering every day how "normal people who haven't spent their last dime on IVF" take our a large loan or max out a credit card and have fun buying all the things the baby needs. I'm not bothered about them not being new as long as they are pretty and functional and, most importantly, existent :)

One other thing the Viking shockingly spoke about was fertility clinics in Perth :O and even, if there isn't enough time to squeeze one more try here before we move down under. Say what?!? I managed to temper his enthusiasm by saying I'm willing to discuss this in Feb or Mar 2011 at the earliest :))

Speaking of moving down under.... we threw a few days of super human effort at it and we managed to get our Cambrige language places secured for the 20th of August and we ran around like headless chicken and notarized, copied, begged and stole papers till we had the file complete and we now sent the Viking's qualifications to the Computer Specialists Association or such to wait for their acknowledgement in his field. We're going to Romania to sort my passport on the 25th of this month and when we come back -incidentally close to the all important Viability day and a day before another u/s- I'll have a new passport and we can then gather the rest of the documents and lodge the visa application. It's not easy and it's scary but we're beyond ecstatic every time we think of what our new life there will be like.

Back to LHB business, I am in SO much pain!!! Back pain in various places that kills me and heels pain every time I stand for more than 3 minutes that reduces me to tears are the most prominent but the internal pulls and pushes and hurt haven't stopped. What hasn't started though is him moving! It's starting to worry me.... beyond the flutters weeks ago, nothing and yes, we've turned 18 weeks on Friday.... I'll ask on Tuesday if my placenta is still anterior as they said at the last one.

Speaking of Tuesday, shouldn't I be counting minutes? I'm excited to see LHB indeed but I am not dieing to know what s/he is if that makes any sense? Consider yourself polled on here or FB and tell me what you think LHB will be:)!

Here are some more pics of hugeness. It doesn't seem like it grew much, did it?

Much love to everyone and thanks so much for stopping by even when I crawl into my hole :)

Friday, 16 July 2010

Gather 'round all, mammouth pictures to ensue!

So LHB is 4 months today. For some reason it feels like a true milestone. Never said he's "3 months", seemed like a bit of "Gah so the 1st trimester, so who knows" sorta stamps, this one sounds far more respectable and lasting so yoohoo!!!

I haven't updated in a while, I know, I can't shake the no-work-depression so I'm no fun to read but sometimes there are glimmers of hope and giddiness. Like today.

Boy am I huge.... as the song goes "it's getting harder and harder to breath" and to turn! And to move or stand from chairs! This feels unreasonably fast for this type of complaints! My bump also seems unreasonably huge. I know it's fat cushioned but it's now in the "what the heck could I possibly wear to disguise this" realm.

Speaking of boys :) I've been giving this gender business some thought, no less prompted by how excited my wonderful friend 2016 is to find out tomorrow (fingers crossed for your girl discovery, babes!) and for some reason I am not bothered that I am still over 2 weeks away from finding out. A big part of that is that I am feeling so positive this is a boy but part is because over the last two weeks, in front of raised HB, looking huge, the cravings and so on, I have entertained the thought I may be wrong too. It would be no big deal, people may have presumed I wanted a boy when I said that's what LHB is, not so, I didn't want a boy more than a girl, I just knew that's what he is. Now with that all said, I'll be glad to know finally just so that I can start more clearly picturing it.

I was shocked by a friend's generosity the other day, we're none too close, have barely spoken a few times over my years in Sweden and yet she was all excited to hear I'm expecting and when she heard that I didn't think I would have a baby shower because most of my friends don't live here, she offered -in principle- to host it at her house and even said she'd organize a way that my friends from the UK and the States could join online by Skype or YM! That moved me greatly. Then again I cry for nearly everything.

Know what else I do? Wake up at 5. And have M/S all over again only nastier at dinner time, and can't stand the sight of any food, and have hugely vivid dreams! And cramps of all sorts possible, low, high, in the cervix, in the ovaries, in the foofoo you name it.

And last but not least know what I don't? Feel him! Nope.... I can hear him on the Doppler and he very clearly moves about in there but I can't feel it. :( this could have something to do with the fact that at the last u/s (okay maybe I did have one last attempt at getting that Progesterone by going to the hospital and telling them about the cramps!!!) she said the placenta has moved to be anterior?!? She also said not to freak out as it will reposition at least once more when baby goes above my belly button. Sounds all strange but considering I can only hear his HB on my belly button now, it can't be too long from hereon, right?

And now for the hugely shocking me! The first one is in the same series as all the rest of them and the next two are in the most "Goddungit you're like a ball" dress I have, including, as you can see, one that looks like a swallowed an extraterrestrial cocoon.

Monday, 28 June 2010

Tuna and Coke Make Me Cry

Second Trimester is well and truly under way but despite what everyone expects, I am not magically more relaxed, no, and heck no it has not flown by, it snailed by! It felt like forever to get to this stage and it's even slower now! Have no fear, I felt exactly the same about everyone else's present and past pregnancies, I couldn't believe how fast they were going hehe.

The crying and MS have been replaced by violent headaches, is that normal?

As for the movement, I know you'll all think I'm mad and lovely Vicky already kinda alluded to that on FB but I had a definite light pop from the inside on the middle of belly, bellow my bellybutton. Felt just like the flicker kids do to each other by putting their two fingers together and releasing one fast, what's the name for that? Anyhow, that's what it felt like and I just KNOW it was not gas. Guess we'll know it if was LHB in a few weeks when and if it happens again.

Tuna and Coke can make me cry with desire these days. I can't believe it how MUCH I can crave the two. I have them both around -the kids drink it and the mister eats my tuna salads with his eyes- so they are staples but they cripple me, I am not joking, it's shocking how in tears I am wanting just a bite or just a glass... I know what you're thinking, they are not that bad, can have some in moderation, I just can't afford risking anything still... What with the progesterone being one in the evening only I am scared stiff something would go wrong and I would rather I don't feel guilty for the Coke if something should!

Anyone else felt they were doing stuff they shouldn't in their dreams? Last night I dreamed a quarter of a bottle of vodka before I realized it and someone pointed my big belly out and then I freaked and begged random strangers on the street to take me to the hospital to have my stomach contents emptied! That was fun. NAWT.

Other topics wise.... no good news presently, with the exception of those few interviews -of which two said "no thanks" because I'm not having the Swedish for one of them and the other two jobs won't happen at all!- none of the other ones have answered in any fashion except, some of them to say that they will not look over any applications till late August or September!!!

My consulting business is going nowhere fast, it's astounding how stuck it is. My other business enterprises are moving somewhat but they would not replace the level of income I need, in particular since we need to start saving like mad for the Australia move.

I'm going to have to go see if my union can offer any uneployment help but it's unlikely due to how I was not a member long enough and I am so opposed to even going to ask but as of the 15th of July I am unemployed, no two ways about it. Utterly depressing.

I'll keep trying, we need me getting a position so that we can survive on our new trimmed budget and then set aside a boatload a month so that we're poised and ready when Down Under calls the Viking over. It's mad how energized by this future move we are. There are many loops to jump through, the perfect score in the Cambridge course we have coming up this month, getting formally hitched real fast, getting our certifications -his in particular, my profession is no longer on the list-, getting our medicals -including mom's so that will be scary considering she's a walking illness-, changing my passport and finally applying before November because the Viking becomes 36 and consequently destroys 5 points.

It's a long shot but we're confident we can make it and daydreaming about our house with a pool by the beach has become our ritual of every evening and keeping us smiling.

We're mad. And so are you for reading this much of my crazy ride! Loves you all much!

21st of June, Nuchal Scan

So we're back. This was an anti-climax after all that wait.... the woman doing it was well and truly out of it and couldn't take a decent picture to save her life!

We saw his digits at some point FFS! He was stretching and jerking and moving about a lot it felt like he was bothered we kept bugging him. I'm sorry we didn't take a video but then again they probably wouldn't have allowed it.

My results are a whooping 1 in 20000 so that's really great for my weight and my age, she said it was very rare that they would be as low at nearly 32. So we're out of the woods with that.

I think this experience convinced us to try and organize a 4D one for 16 weeks or such to confirm LHB is a boy. At least we'd get some decent images...

12+2 she said and the 31st of December, which means that he hasn't caught up with the proverbial one day behind but hey ho, he implanted late, that's all, he's right on track ever since!

Oh and the Viking mentioned the Doppler and she raised a big stink shaking her head "oh no, no no no, very bad to use it on small baby" to which I say: "Bah, piss off!"

Here is the bad picture.... however, his tiny button nose is clearly there (his right hand is up against his face too) and cute and extraordinary and so unbelievable.... we made this, the button nose, we made it out of nothing, we've been seeing the nothing so many times and then we saw a little better than nothing, a sac but that too contained not a trace of a nose! And then we had a dot and that doesn't have a nose! And then a snowman and everyone knows snowmen don't have noses! Now we have a baby! A baby that moves and looks like he sneezed and waves his little toes and fingers at the end of his feet and hands AND HAS A NOSE!


Sunday, 20 June 2010

Woe and woe and woe

2weeks and 2 days, and tomorrow big Scan day, surreal! Happy Peach day to us and I love telling people "I entered the 4th month" heh.

Speaking of ... Maybe l should rename this diary "The Fat and the Toothless" because to my combined astonishment, disgust and desperation, one of my nearly front teeth left me yesterday! They were already bad but this was one of the relatively healthy ones and it never bothered me till evidently LHB needed to build something he had to store on calcium for. I don't know what to do, l'm taking my vits -btw what's the deal with A being bad during pregnancy?!? they sell no special prenatal ones here!- and eating diary daily, how much can he need?

Pretty miserable about it as l can't imagine how l can interview like this and we can't afford the astronomical cost to fix it or not unless we jeopardize our move to Australia!

To add to it, I'm crushed about the no job situation AND we'll have to leave to get my passport sorted in Romania next month in lieu of September or October as my brother and sister-in-law won't be able to dog and mum -sit after that which puts more financial and emotional stress on it all AND we had serious alcohol induced "oh but what about the baby" dramatic issues on Thursday so no take off was accomplished rendering my wining and dinning of the Viking utterly useless.

So yeah, woe IS definitely me!

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Of Boobs, Bumps and Cramps

Yesterday I had a terrifyingly bad cramp. It felt like my entire down-bellow painfully contracted and stayed that way for a while and I couldn't relax it or even move at all, it hurt like a mofo! Is that a contraction and if so should I be way worried that I had one that soon or is it something other? Of course at the time I thought it meant impending miscarriage and I freaked out like mad but it was just as we were reaching the central station and a long long train trip ensued so there was nothing to be done right then. Nonetheless, of course getting out the Doppler was the first thing we've done when we reached the hotel at midnight determined to go to the AE if we heard nothing but after a few minutes of looking too low as per habit I moved it up nearly where my right ovary is and there it was. It's alive again!

Have I told you that I have a bump? I know most of it is from the flabber IVF inflicted on me but part of it is all baby so I am not hiding it. It sprung over the past week or so. Strange to wear but exciting. I've noticed something real funny while we traveled down to the work-slash-romantic-date-city yesterday. I wore a dress with a cleavage and it was astounding to witness the following succession of events.

1. Guy notices me.
2. Guy stares at my flumonguous boobs.
3. Guy sports "Oh Yum" leery smile
4. Guy's eyes travel South and meet my bump.
5. Guy sports "Oh Yuck" grimace.

Very entertaining!

Today he is teaching classes and I am loitering in cafes, seeing a movie, reading and window shopping, I'm not sure how well I'll cope with this being a lady of leisure business but I reckon it ought to be ok for one day. This evening we're going back to the hotel to change then we have dinner out together and that's when I plan to intoxicate and seduce him. If I remember how.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

We have a 2 days work/getaway next week. He's teaching some courses in Goteborg and I'll be tagging along so that we finally spend some time away from mom, the dog, my brother and his wife, etc.

I guess I'll stop being a born again virgin!!! -Well it's his new cherry that will be popped, I had some self trial runs to ensure all systems are go :) -

Friday, 11 June 2010

Bad Apples! But 11 weeks!

Well last night before bed I whipped up the machinery, applied oodles of gel and asked the Viking to "let me place it, I have a feeling on th
e location" and then handed it to him to hold and move about as necessary. Only moving about wasn't necessary, turning up the volume was and there it was. I could see his eyes widening even in the dark. "Ohhhhh it's alive!". We'll never get tired of discovering he's alive, must stop when he kinda gets the reference

He held the Doppler under strict instructions not to move it and I grabbed the iPhone and made a wonderful, clear as day recording which we then spent the next hour replaying to count and recount beats. 150 on average. We were truly stoked and as soon as I woke up I reached for my laptop to download it and show it to you, dear readers as well as stick it in an email and send it to the future paternal grandparents who are now starting to work out that this is really happening and, bless their hearts, asking for new pictures all the time. It's the pivotal moment when I realized Apple is dreadful, evil and trying to kill me! It's gone. It erased it but never downloaded it. I was close to breaking something, likely, the offending iPhone with a close second being the offending iTunes except it would go with the non-offending computer.

We'll try again tonight.

At least tonight we don't have to spend another 2 hours reading about placenta formation, wondering when LHB starts swallowing, disagreeing on what a large plum looks like and having moments like this:

Viking: " the umbilical chord which will grow to reach 55-60 cm"
Me: "WHAT?!?"
"What what?"
"60 centimeters, are you serious?!?"
"Yeah, why?"
"What do you mean "why" that's huge!"
"No it's not"
"It is! I can't fit 60 cm worth of a thing in my belly!!!"
"Yes you can, your intestines are meters long"
"That's different, those are already tucked in somehow!"

Happy 11 weeks to us!

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

LHB - a boy! I said so!

Last night at the clinic while I was nearly shivering with fear that LHB will be dead -as you do- I told the nurse

"Pain we can take, I just want to know that he's ok."
"..or she"
"Umm nope, it's a boy."
"Wow you're convinced!"
"Absolutely, just no doubt about it."
And she started laughing
"With my first I didn't even want a gender scan, that's how sure I was it was a little boy. In comes my birth date and when the midwife holds him up my first thought was "Oh dear lord I should have never had that fish finger it's handicapped, it's missing his willy!" and it wasn't till much later that I realized my little girl was just fine!"

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

To quote the doctor: "It's alive and literary kicking"

We had some more pain (and loads and loads of paranoia) and got it checked out. It's not from LHB, in fact, he was astonishingly well, so much so that he was moving! He incredibly waved his hands and legs and pushed them about in a "leave me alone already!" fashion and then turned his posterior to the screen. We took the hint, left and brought him home.

Now we can survive the next 12 days till the Nuchal.

In fact I can more than survive, I am having a broad smile and the beginning of a sigh of relief, surely a moving, heart beating baby at 10+4 is impressively close to the green zone, maybe we are gonna make it after all!

Sunday, 6 June 2010

So I don't post much do I? What is it now? At most once a week? That is no book gonna make! I must get more disciplined, surely there's a way to write about paranoia and depression which is not all doom and gloom, eh?

Yes still depressed and loathe it. This is meant to be a time of such joy and jumping up and down with delight at my tutu being trashed and instead all I am thinking of is our impending bankruptcy. Not exactly a topic to shake. A few interviews and a few "maybe"s are not good enough, realistically, even if I get lucky enough to get a job, no one will hire before the famous Swedish summer where the country virtually closes and by the time they will call me for last interviews -or starting work- I'll be six months gone and my belly will enter before me making it nearly impossibly for anyone in their right mind to sign me on.

The mood is gloomy across the board, the Viking is working 80 hours weeks in addition to his huge commute, I'm sendng CVs left right and center and trying to think of capital-less business ventures to shake a profit before our next stack of bills, my former employer is a complete arse and is avoiding my calls and with it, paying me what he still owes me, etc. In fact I am so busy doing all these things over the day that I don't even have time for facebooking and blogging the way I used to do when I was at work! :)

Baby wise.... man, being terrified is not getting any better. I've discovered 1 week is the most I can go with no sign of seeing or hearing Little Human Being. Thankfully this should be remedied soon thanks to Karen, an extraordinary friendo-sister who was lovely enough to pop her Doppler in the international mail for me. Don't know when it will arrive but whenever it is, it ought to be before the scan on the 21st.

The feeling of dread is not helped by cramps. A few days ago I had huge Ovulation pains and no, not pains "like that" but what I would bet the farm was ovulating from both ovaries. (FertilityFriend sent me the usual "W00t you're laying an egg email so it was bang on time too!) It hurt like a mofo! I wish my ovaries would get the memo already, this is ridiculous. And to top it, over the past few days I've had huge AF like cramps in all directions, right under the pubic bone, right up under my belly button, you name it it hurt. I've been, naturally alarmed by this like mad but then again there has been no blood and that has to reassure me and to top it, over the past two days my symptoms feel like they've decided to give me another assault, after a week of nearly nothing my (.)(.) make me scream, I'm throw uppy and craving prego stuffs at the same time and I'm even lovey dovey to the Viking which is a sure hormonal sign!

Next item on my worry list is having to space out and then cut out the Progesterone suppositories as they are finishing. I'm terrified. What if I made my apparel too lazy to produce enough hormone on its own? When do I get a placenta? Isn't that what will make all the hormones from hereon? I'm 10+3 (lovely double digits!) and will be 11 by the time I reduce and 12 or 13 when I stop, is it likely it will come unglued?!?

Monday, 31 May 2010

LHB the Snowman!

Presenting our snowman!

Unbelievable how it changed, no more confusing yolk sac in the picture, no blurry pod, a clear head with eyes and ears and tiny arms and legs. It's facing us in this picture and we've been shocked to see how big its heart is (the black bit in between the arms).

How come we saw him again? Well it was a combination of things but if I'm 110% honest and I have to be with you lot, I was freaking out. I was also having cramps, the brown discharge those few times and just a general freak out that something is wrong so yesterday evening we opted for some special entertainment and after dinner we set out for the emergency side of he local hospital's gynecology ward.

I'd expected it to be harder in terms of acting abilities, that they would grill me more and I was dreading having to invent bleeding and pain but it went smoothly, I mumbled some answers about cramps, we were vocal on the truth which was that the midwife vanished on us, no calls returned, no emails answered and within minutes they took my blood and tested my pee. We were lucky, it was mercifully empty and the doctor invited us for a consult within 10 minutes.

She started by saying that she was concerned because my pulse is awfully high but she can't do much about it, the mising midwife needs to recommend me to be checked out -with this idiotic of a system it's hard to feel guilty for fibbing to get some medical attention!- she then checked the cervix -ouch!- and gave me a plevic exam and scared us titless saying "well let me just look first, at this early stage it's traumatic if you're watching if I can't find a heartbeat* but thankfully, seconds later, with relief she turned the screen and said "can't measure it but beautiful heartbeat and here's your little one".

And there he was! Our snowman! And we can now wait till the 21st when we see him again at the Nuchal in peace.

P.S. I'm not writing much because I'm incredibly tired, the only times I have any energy are spent hunting for jobs and going to interviews. And to be frank rather depressed as well. Very rather.

Friday, 21 May 2010

The Not so Good, the Okay and the Great

Been 8 weeks for 12 minutes. Two months pregnant. My baby's now a fetus the size of a raspberry. Only a month to Nunchal scan and only a month till out of the danger 1st trimester zone.

So I've had a couple of brown spots. Not really brown, more like beige and the quantities have been negligible (three times over the past week maybe and no more than a smidgen) but scary nonetheless. Two of them were before the scans so everything was okay after them so I am hoping everything is still ok. I am clearly not freaked out enough when it happens that I want to go to the ER and I could and they would, hopefully, likely scan me again. I take the fact that I am not inclined to run out the door as a good sign.

On the other hand I won't just think pink, because you see, wrong as this will sound, I have one thing that terrifies me more than the idea of a miscarriage and that's the idea of a missed miscarriage. Maybe I'm a tad sick but the idea of that little heartbeat stopping and me carrying a dead fetus simply fills me with panic. I'd do anything to avoid it. If I get a strong feeling that it may be what's happening I will go flying to impale myself on the first dildo cam I can find, but for now, thankfully I don't feel that.

In less gloom and doom news, I can accept the strangest of things ranging from my suddenly sunny disposition and extreme love for the Viking to the fact that I crave salad and fruit -how tacky is that, to be craving healthy stuff?!?- but I can't accept how dumb this little baby makes me! Here I am, applying for jobs at the top echelon of the telecom management (I can has two interviews tomorrow and Tuesday btw, holler!!!) and at the same time I start sentences and am unable to finish them because my mind draws complete, utter blanks. The space where I thought information was committed is now a blank slot. Nothing. Can't recall what I meant, can't find the right word for what I remember I mean, can't remember why I am trying to use the word for the stuff that I recall and mean! This is NOT good.

In even happier news, I have a pregnancy song. What? No such thing as a pregnancy song? Pah, there's one for everything other so why not?!? It makes me smile and think of LHB and makes me think it will all be ok. It's this:

There's a reason... why I'm feeling so high!

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Our Baby's SIXth Close Up - Before it Even Turned 8 Weeks

*stretch* "Goooood morning"

Whatcha mean it's not morning but afternoon and I slept all day since taking dildo pics of LHB?!? I wouldn't have, that's just irresponsible, I only laid here for a second....

So yes, the morning was good, it was great in fact! (Despite, discovering that being in cars stuck in traffic and morning sickness do not mix.)

It was eerie walking the corridors at the IVF clinic, it felt strangely romantic, in that way in which couples keep the hotel where they conceived high on the favourites list.

The only thing spoiling it was this excuse for art they seem to have decided is worthy of their walls and which, quite frankly would have put me off babies had I noticed it before!

Our little bumblet's heart is "about 140" which we'll take! And is he behind and measuring badly and such? Only if you measure it without the yolk sac and even then it's doubtful, the papers we got say "Discharged, viable pregnancy, CRL 12 mm consistent with 7+4/7+5 pregnancy". Pretty cool. We have a consistent pregnancy! Oh how I'll miss seeing him! What am I gonna do with myself till the 21st of June when the Nunchal is?!? Me thinks I may have a surprise bleed overnight in a couple of weeks and I will just have to be seen whether I like it or not!

We asked what becomes of our other free IVF goes and made the midwife's nose wrinkle "Nothing, it's one baby only." - "If something happens can we come back?" - "Yes sure, but nothing will, I've seen many pregnancies, you will give birth to this baby" which was sweet if empirical to high heavens.

As we were exiting we spotted a bunch of the doctors we had dealt with and on an impulse I walked straight to Dr. Slimy, extended my hand and enthusiastically shook his "Thank you very much, you made it" he said I was welcome but looked puzzled, clearly nor remembering us a great deal despite the glimpse of "Oh your balls I removed parts of" glimpse when he saw the Viking so I pointed to the three scan pics I was clutching "Here, you made us this" and he took a brief look and beamed "Oh I did! That's wonderful!"

So we left and walked the corridors all loved up and beaming at each other, clutching our scans and it was all a dream. That is until he was supposed to grab his sodding Coke bottle because I can't hold five things at once and if he's a man he needs to be able to drive and hold a bottle at the same time before complaining, and, let's face it, I don't need to be this close to objects of my desire which I ca't have because he got me pregnant thank you very much!!!

"Geez you're a complete clumps!"
"It wasn't my fault!!!!"
"Oh no, it was Mother sodding Theresa's!!!!"
"You are an ungoodly holder"
"No you know what? You're an ass to call me that when you were just unable to use your opposable thumb!!!"
"ARRRGGGHHH why won't you let it go?!?"
"Because you need to get over yourself and get some perspective in life and see you were fecking wrong and should have taken the bloody thing which I was doing you a service to hold temporarily!!!"
"I'm sorry baby, I shouldn't have upset you"
"Damn right."
"I should have other taken it in time or shut up"
"That's it!"
"Because I should know better than to upset you now that you are hormonal"
"OMG YOU ARE AN ARSE! I AM NOT HORMONAL; YOU ARE AN INEPT USER OF YOUR THUMBS AND HAVE NO GRABBING REFLEX! NO! Don't answer, don't talk to me, just sodding drive us home!"

I mean honestly.

Monday, 17 May 2010

It's alive!!!

So it was "make time".

After a morning of discontent where things I wouldn't wish on enemies came flying towards me from my mother we drove in silence to the clinic.

As we rode in the elevator I told the Viking:"I'm so nauseated and peeved off that I'm not nervous" - and was shocked to hear him say "Oh no? Good! but I am." as he squeezed my hand. Poor soul, a combination between my other freak outs, his reading of a bloke's IVF journey book "Baby Steps" and just genuinely wanting to make sure there's a "blip blip" must have finally taken a toll on him-. Proof positive males have hearts! :)

We entered and at first the doctor attempted to dissuade me from having another scan with irrelevant arguments the likes of "you are having another one tomorrow morning" but soon enough she realized the only way I was going to move my bum out of her office if if she would allow me to strip and give me some dildo time.

So here's us, moments after she inserted said dildo:

Not sure if the sound is working, if not you'll be missing some interesting conversation where she kept calling our fetus "beautiful" and the heart beat "very very nice" which I am sure are medical terms, and my now relieved voice asking if the round, Mars like formation on the right is the yolk sac which it was.

After some gentle persuasion she agreed to measure it but was reluctant and by how long it took her to find the commands I'd say it doesn't quite constitute common practice, chances are it's the prescribing pills and ointments rather than measure CRL kind of establishments. 7.36 mm according to her but she was well shaky to find where from and where to so we'll wait till tomorrow to find out for sure and only freak out after that. If it is indeed only that, it's worryingly small... although according to this it's fine - -

Here's a screen capture since the Viking forgot he was instructed to take still pictures too, complete with Paint-creation-legend.

I'm a woman of my word so I will calm down and not be off my rocker enough to be stressed tomorrow again. In fact, tomorrow's hoha invasion will likely be the most relaxed of them all since this all started. Looking forward to it!

Saturday, 15 May 2010

7 weeks and 1 days

I'm not the most consequent and diligent of diary writers, am I? Can I blame it on pregnancy? I fear I'll have to regardless, and maybe not in that it made me forget to update, but in that it made me do everything other than update with a predilection for sleeping, mopping about, eating and feeling sick. The past few days have been spent between heaven and hell. Excited, glittery moments of trolling the internet for prams were closely followed by the deepest of depression that I'll miscarry, excited squeals when I heard it's now as big as a raspberry chased by sudden tears at the futility of life and my inability of raising this child while destitute and lonely only to moments later day dream with glee about the colour of the walls in the nursery. Repeat to fade.

As I understand it, all very normal.

On Thursday we visited very dear friends and it's been lovely to first ask if "all all four of us can come" referring to the three of us plus extensive St. Bernhard, then once there refuse the beer for reasons other than dieting, talk about how she found out she is pregnant with each of their amazing boys (the older one always takes pity in the childless entity mommy drags about and lets me hold him or feed him his dinner or such whereas his younger, but clearly smarter brother, demanded to be told why I am back again!) and generally just be pregnant around soothingly amazing people. I've even been one of those annoying people forever forcing their mobile phone screens in the faces of others to see a photo of their baby, except ours was but a jittery pic of a scan of a bunch of blobs.

Friday morning I received two letters in the mail. One is June 21 for the Nunchal and the other is August 3rd for what I suspect is just a routine 18/20 weeks viability one. Makes me believe I stand a shot at retaining my sanity if I get past the following two scans, then invent a need for a third sometime early June and then get me a Doppler.

The evening was spent in lengthy conversations about breastfeeding -that will make up the body of an entire other post- and today we barbecued and it was all rather balmy and relaxing. Well when I managed to stop worrying about the brown spot I thought I saw Thursday evening -not so sure now at all anymore, the theories rage from those firmly in the "Ewww TMI" category to pure and simple knicker-watch-hallucinations!- and more notably, managed to stop worrying about Monday morning.

The way I figure it, it shall be hell Monday only or Monday AND Tuesday because if I manage to survive the suspense and the horrid minutes in the waiting room, as well as the heart ripping silence when the machine cranks up and there's nothing but silence and heads being cocked, then the outcome can only be: A. Extremely bad on Monday morning, no HB, no growth and then we'd still hope till Tuesday, I just know we would or B. Good on Monday morning and then even I would be hard pressed to be worried for Tuesday AS WELL.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I am stonking terrified, I'm less likely to take it as I would have done a few weeks ago, now, at what we call "nearly 2 months pregnant" I've forgotten all the "Ah if nature/God/destiny decide to take Little Human Being away at least I....."s from what used to be an extensive list. I got nothing. So please God, do me a very solid and let me have him.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Met the midwife. Gawd help us.

Well I didn't but it was all I could do not to!!! It started last night and has been so bad I gaged a couple of times but after many trips to the garden to breath fresh air in and out I managed to avoid it. Have I mentioned I hate vomiting? Oh yeah baby, loathe it, makes me want to hurl just talking about it. Which I will have to do some more of. It was a long time too, maybe 2 hours of agony but it settled when I laid down.

Repeat in the morning. I noticed something so ironic it's funny. Food settles it -some forms of food, not sure which ones yet- but food is not a tolerable topic in the middle of the wave so one needs to sit there in stupor of sickness and wait till one can breath, stop puckering and take something in. Very funny system.

It appears I was so bad last night that my evening ended with the Viking kissing me on the forehead and saying:

"Is it ok if I go to sleep now?"
"You will not die?"
"Will you be ok?"
"So want me to stay awake then?"
"NNNNOPHE FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ok ok, my mom would be most disappointed if you died and I were just sleeping here"
"Oh yeah, yours would kill me immediately"

So that was fun. Since he was working in the morning I enjoyed my sickness in silence for a change.

As for the famous midwife appointment. It wasn't as useless as I thought it would be.

It was worse!

No joke, she took my blood to ensure I have no AIDS -as did the IVF clinic-, she checked that I had no protein in my urine, said I had Hemoglobine 139 and my blood sugar 4.5. She then essentially spent 45 minutes working out the date of my last cycle as compared to my gestational age, in other words, she accepted that I am right, I am 6 weeks and 4 days but what would have been the day of my last menstruation if I wouldn't have had IVF because her form requires it. And then another 30 discouraging me from ever calling AE or EPU if I have any problems and instructing me to call her instead. Except she doesn't have a direct line, should call on Tuesdays or Thursdays at the reception. Oh! Or email, she sometimes checks that! And there is even a doctor at the clinic, every Wednesday. And no, they don't have a scanner but they are affiliated with a place that does so in under a week I can get sent off to that place! Groovy!

She sent word for the Nunchal blood and the scan and the next time I will see her is August 11 and that, ladies and ladies, is too soon if you ask me!

So that was as useless as I thought it would be, I am now sat here, enjoying my sea sickness bands -which I can't yet rule as working if I'm honest- and thinking LHB and I are kinda on our own midwife wise which is both expected and sad.

Monday, 10 May 2010

Goodbye napping?!?

6 weeks and 3 days

Morning sickness scare adverted now, in particular since this morning I felt utterly rotten. Not in a throw up fashion, more like a combination between deep depression, dizziness, nausea, lack of appetite (say what?!?) and lethargy. Really blah in an undefined manner. So bad that I am deeming that as clear sickness and since it started when I woke up I shall crown it M/S.

On the plus size, I have been so down because I can find no position of the caliber I need and my company seems to be going nowhere fast that I have had little time to worry about miscarrying. Maybe -knock on wood- I am starting to relax into the "no blood no worry" mantra although a few thoughts of "I have never once napped today!" have sneaked over everything else.

Speaking of napping, the only thing stranger than my toilette habits seems to be my sleeping pattern. Just when I thought I had gotten used to the fact that yes, at times I shan't be able to fight it and shall fall asleep while talking, sometimes even while eating and always while watching TV, a new one sprung upon me. Insomnia. Last night I couldn't sleep till 5! And then woke up at 9 all rested and I never napped all day. I shall deem my lack of napping today as diurnal insomnia :snigger: and note it as the strangeness of the day.

Tomorrow, at an hour that the Viking can not recall (give me a roll of the eyes please!) I have the first Midwife appointment which I suspect will be as useless as it will be boring. I do not need people with supposing knowledge, I typically and sadly know more than most medical professionals in this country, only tolerate some of them because they have toys that show babies inside bellies!

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Me: "When will we know this will hold"
Viking: "What do you mean?"
"What do I mean? When will they say it will hold? At 12 weeks, at 20?"
"It's not a question of when they will say it will hold but when you will, just this morning you found another reason to worry"
"But I'm not throwing up, I didn't just make this up!"
"I didn't, don't be an idiot, you heard Wikipedia"
"What are you laughing about, this is important!!!"
"Stop it, it says it's bad, what's WRONG with you?"
"Yeah the great source Wiki is"
"Like you're a better source!"
"Am not but I presume that..."
"Screw you! You make me sick!"

Make me want to throw up!!!

Okay so here's today's issue: Wikipedia says here

"Women who have no morning sickness are more likely to miscarry or to bear children with birth defects."

Now none of those sounds acceptable. So how much is enough MS? I am nauseated but not every day and not to the point that I am positive I'll vomit. It comes and goes in waves, mostly when I first wake up to get my progesterone but it doesn't last and if I fall back asleep, by the time I awake it's gone. If anything the first thing I am is hungry when I wake up.... And even the waves in the morning are no different than the sort of nausea one gets if waking up at an unusually early hour and their blood sugar is very low. Makes sense?

So as compared to the stories of hugging toilettes this is nothing and it's worrying me. I would have thought that I am compensating with a bad tummy since it plays the same role of evacuating bad stuff but I can't find literature to support that.

So I'm calm for now but when do I start worrying? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't have symptoms, if nothing else my Pam Anderson (.)(.)s and my hundreds of trips to the ladies' are clear enough and I get all the nine yards, the craving and the hunger, the repulsion and the gaging followed by the snatching and devouring, the strong smells, the dizziness, you name it. I am just not sick enough!

And I know there are tens of hundreds of stories of women who never throw up and still make healthy babies but you saw what the almighty Wikipedia had to say!!!

Countdown to freak out initiated!

Saturday, 8 May 2010

The way I seem to now roll

Okay here's one for you, pouring vinegar over a bag of potato chips and thinking it's amazing: Normal, right?

The Making of Little Human Being

Despite our doubts and fears -how much paranoia is normal in the first trimester before medication is needed?!?- we are pregnant. We are making a Little Human Being.

Not a moment too soon either, we've crunched some numbers:

1 devastating Infertility diagnostic: Azoospermia +
2 Surgical Sperm Removals, both finding Clives +
4 years TTC +
2 IVF cycles in 2 countries +
25.000 Euro +
190 pounds lost +
567 days without smokes +
37624 Vitamin pills and folic acid +
66 Acupuncture needles +
16 mature eggies +
4 embies put back in +
0 frosties +
0 Positive Mental Attitude +
123 HPTs this cycle +
>500 HPTs total +
791 - Beta at 20 DPO and 4840 - Beta at 24 DPO


= 1 ICSI Miracle!

No point in uploading all the beautiful BFPs but suffice it to say there are pictures of a vast majority of those 123, the book will need a special photos appendix, there are faint ones, poorly lit ones, trembly ones, progressions and successions, digitals, ICs, Frers, Clear Blues and other. All now conquered with their beautiful test lines darker than the control lines.

As for the scan, know how most -sane- people only have a few over their entire pregnancy? We had 4, of which 2 yesterday! One of which, an abdominal scan performed by Dr. Clueless scared our pants off dating the sac as earlier than our 6 weeks mark and seeing nothing but. (Although, if you saw it and you squinted just a little bit you may had be able to see a white dot in the middle of the "only sac")

The second one was a marvel and despite no measurement being done, there was a HB briefly spotted too.

The next scans are on the 17th -current ObGyn- and 18th - IVF clinic dating scan- and there's also a midwife appointment on the 11th.

Still wondering what I am going to do with myself now that I am not undergoing IVF or peeing on sticks! I mean there's only so much time being nauseated and having an upset tummy takes. Or even so much time one can nap. No, strike that, it seems to be unlimited these days, yesterday I suddenly fell asleep in the car X 2, in the doctor's waiting room X 1, while getting the progesterone X 2, on the couch X 2 and even on a chair X 1! Anyone else finds they may be a danger on public roads now that coffee is not an option and lights seem to be out at random times and swiftly?

Maybe it's time I smiled a broad "yippie, we did it" kinda smile, held my Viking's hand tight and proceeded to get new definitions. From all points of view.

So there we are, welcome to the rest of our life, we found Clive, now we're filling this in:

Friday, 7 May 2010

After a morning of tears with a scan showing nothing but a sac at 5 weeks and 4 days -3 days bellow my 6 weeks- we booked another one because we were frantic!

Following this latest inconclusive scan I shall pronounce myself pregnant as per plan till the next scan -which is on the 17th to this clinic and the 18th at the IVF clinic lol- because this lady thinks she saw a heart beat. So does the Viking, he's been going around going "blip blip" opening and closing his hand to the tune to what he thinks he saw the pixel do on the screen.

It started bad, she said she only sees a sac then she says "Wait a minute, and a yolk or a pole" and then zoomed in and said "oh look there's something moving and flickering, I think it's the way its heart beats!" and then she spent ages trying to see behind it because she thought she saw something so she was hell bent on finding the second embryo and proceeded to warn us about it sometimes being only one while we frantically tried to make her focus on that one :)

She also found 4 huge follicles which she for some reason measured to be 23, 26, 27 and 30 LOL. I am hoping those are empty or else my body is an indiot!

She gave us no date, no HB rate, nothing so for now I will cling to the fact that for a while there was something on that screen.