So I don't post much do I? What is it now? At most once a week? That is no book gonna make! I must get more disciplined, surely there's a way to write about paranoia and depression which is not all doom and gloom, eh?

Yes still depressed and loathe it. This is meant to be a time of such joy and jumping up and down with delight at my tutu being trashed and instead all I am thinking of is our impending bankruptcy. Not exactly a topic to shake. A few interviews and a few "maybe"s are not good enough, realistically, even if I get lucky enough to get a job, no one will hire before the famous Swedish summer where the country virtually closes and by the time they will call me for last interviews -or starting work- I'll be six months gone and my belly will enter before me making it nearly impossibly for anyone in their right mind to sign me on.

The mood is gloomy across the board, the Viking is working 80 hours weeks in addition to his huge commute, I'm sendng CVs left right and center and trying to think of capital-less business ventures to shake a profit before our next stack of bills, my former employer is a complete arse and is avoiding my calls and with it, paying me what he still owes me, etc. In fact I am so busy doing all these things over the day that I don't even have time for facebooking and blogging the way I used to do when I was at work! :)

Baby wise.... man, being terrified is not getting any better. I've discovered 1 week is the most I can go with no sign of seeing or hearing Little Human Being. Thankfully this should be remedied soon thanks to Karen, an extraordinary friendo-sister who was lovely enough to pop her Doppler in the international mail for me. Don't know when it will arrive but whenever it is, it ought to be before the scan on the 21st.

The feeling of dread is not helped by cramps. A few days ago I had huge Ovulation pains and no, not pains "like that" but what I would bet the farm was ovulating from both ovaries. (FertilityFriend sent me the usual "W00t you're laying an egg email so it was bang on time too!) It hurt like a mofo! I wish my ovaries would get the memo already, this is ridiculous. And to top it, over the past few days I've had huge AF like cramps in all directions, right under the pubic bone, right up under my belly button, you name it it hurt. I've been, naturally alarmed by this like mad but then again there has been no blood and that has to reassure me and to top it, over the past two days my symptoms feel like they've decided to give me another assault, after a week of nearly nothing my (.)(.) make me scream, I'm throw uppy and craving prego stuffs at the same time and I'm even lovey dovey to the Viking which is a sure hormonal sign!

Next item on my worry list is having to space out and then cut out the Progesterone suppositories as they are finishing. I'm terrified. What if I made my apparel too lazy to produce enough hormone on its own? When do I get a placenta? Isn't that what will make all the hormones from hereon? I'm 10+3 (lovely double digits!) and will be 11 by the time I reduce and 12 or 13 when I stop, is it likely it will come unglued?!?