Met the midwife. Gawd help us.

Well I didn't but it was all I could do not to!!! It started last night and has been so bad I gaged a couple of times but after many trips to the garden to breath fresh air in and out I managed to avoid it. Have I mentioned I hate vomiting? Oh yeah baby, loathe it, makes me want to hurl just talking about it. Which I will have to do some more of. It was a long time too, maybe 2 hours of agony but it settled when I laid down.

Repeat in the morning. I noticed something so ironic it's funny. Food settles it -some forms of food, not sure which ones yet- but food is not a tolerable topic in the middle of the wave so one needs to sit there in stupor of sickness and wait till one can breath, stop puckering and take something in. Very funny system.

It appears I was so bad last night that my evening ended with the Viking kissing me on the forehead and saying:

"Is it ok if I go to sleep now?"

"Wha..?"

"You will not die?"

"Nophe"

"Will you be ok?"

"Nophe"

"So want me to stay awake then?"

"NNNNOPHE FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ok ok, my mom would be most disappointed if you died and I were just sleeping here"

"Sowouldmin"

"Oh yeah, yours would kill me immediately"

"Uhhu"

"What?"

"NOTHING!!! GO TO SODDING SLEEP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OR ELSE I WILL DRAWN YOU IN VOMIT IF YOU KEEP FORCING ME TO TALK YOU INSENSITIVE ARSE!"

So that was fun. Since he was working in the morning I enjoyed my sickness in silence for a change.

As for the famous midwife appointment. It wasn't as useless as I thought it would be.

It was worse!

No joke, she took my blood to ensure I have no AIDS -as did the IVF clinic-, she checked that I had no protein in my urine, said I had Hemoglobine 139 and my blood sugar 4.5. She then essentially spent 45 minutes working out the date of my last cycle as compared to my gestational age, in other words, she accepted that I am right, I am 6 weeks and 4 days but what would have been the day of my last menstruation if I wouldn't have had IVF because her form requires it. And then another 30 discouraging me from ever calling AE or EPU if I have any problems and instructing me to call her instead. Except she doesn't have a direct line, should call on Tuesdays or Thursdays at the reception. Oh! Or email, she sometimes checks that! And there is even a doctor at the clinic, every Wednesday. And no, they don't have a scanner but they are affiliated with a place that does so in under a week I can get sent off to that place! Groovy!

She sent word for the Nunchal blood and the scan and the next time I will see her is August 11 and that, ladies and ladies, is too soon if you ask me!

So that was as useless as I thought it would be, I am now sat here, enjoying my sea sickness bands -which I can't yet rule as working if I'm honest- and thinking LHB and I are kinda on our own midwife wise which is both expected and sad.

Goodbye napping?!?

6 weeks and 3 days

Morning sickness scare adverted now, in particular since this morning I felt utterly rotten. Not in a throw up fashion, more like a combination between deep depression, dizziness, nausea, lack of appetite (say what?!?) and lethargy. Really blah in an undefined manner. So bad that I am deeming that as clear sickness and since it started when I woke up I shall crown it M/S.

On the plus size, I have been so down because I can find no position of the caliber I need and my company seems to be going nowhere fast that I have had little time to worry about miscarrying. Maybe -knock on wood- I am starting to relax into the "no blood no worry" mantra although a few thoughts of "I have never once napped today!" have sneaked over everything else.

Speaking of napping, the only thing stranger than my toilette habits seems to be my sleeping pattern. Just when I thought I had gotten used to the fact that yes, at times I shan't be able to fight it and shall fall asleep while talking, sometimes even while eating and always while watching TV, a new one sprung upon me. Insomnia. Last night I couldn't sleep till 5! And then woke up at 9 all rested and I never napped all day. I shall deem my lack of napping today as diurnal insomnia and note it as the strangeness of the day.

Tomorrow, at an hour that the Viking can not recall (give me a roll of the eyes please!) I have the first Midwife appointment which I suspect will be as useless as it will be boring. I do not need people with supposing knowledge, I typically and sadly know more than most medical professionals in this country, only tolerate some of them because they have toys that show babies inside bellies!

Me: "When will we know this will hold"

Viking: "What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? When will they say it will hold? At 12 weeks, at 20?"

"It's not a question of when they will say it will hold but when you will, just this morning you found another reason to worry"

"But I'm not throwing up, I didn't just make this up!"

"I didn't, don't be an idiot, you heard Wikipedia"

"What are you laughing about, this is important!!!"

"Stop it, it says it's bad, what's WRONG with you?"

"Yeah the great source Wiki is"

"Like you're a better source!"

"Am not but I presume that..."

"Screw you! You make me sick!"

Make me want to throw up!!!

Okay so here's today's issue: Wikipedia says here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morning_sickness

"Women who have no morning sickness are more likely to miscarry or to bear children with birth defects."

Now none of those sounds acceptable. So how much is enough MS? I am nauseated but not every day and not to the point that I am positive I'll vomit. It comes and goes in waves, mostly when I first wake up to get my progesterone but it doesn't last and if I fall back asleep, by the time I awake it's gone. If anything the first thing I am is hungry when I wake up.... And even the waves in the morning are no different than the sort of nausea one gets if waking up at an unusually early hour and their blood sugar is very low. Makes sense?

So as compared to the stories of hugging toilettes this is nothing and it's worrying me. I would have thought that I am compensating with a bad tummy since it plays the same role of evacuating bad stuff but I can't find literature to support that.

So I'm calm for now but when do I start worrying? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't have symptoms, if nothing else my Pam Anderson (.)(.)s and my hundreds of trips to the ladies' are clear enough and I get all the nine yards, the craving and the hunger, the repulsion and the gaging followed by the snatching and devouring, the strong smells, the dizziness, you name it. I am just not sick enough!

And I know there are tens of hundreds of stories of women who never throw up and still make healthy babies but you saw what the almighty Wikipedia had to say!!!

Countdown to freak out initiated!

The way I seem to now roll

Okay here's one for you, pouring vinegar over a bag of potato chips and thinking it's amazing: Normal, right?

The Making of Little Human Being

Despite our doubts and fears -how much paranoia is normal in the first trimester before medication is needed?!?- we are pregnant. We are making a Little Human Being.

Not a moment too soon either, we've crunched some numbers:

1 devastating Infertility diagnostic: Azoospermia +

2 Surgical Sperm Removals, both finding Clives +

4 years TTC +

2 IVF cycles in 2 countries +

25.000 Euro +

190 pounds lost +

567 days without smokes +

37624 Vitamin pills and folic acid +

66 Acupuncture needles +

16 mature eggies +

4 embies put back in +

0 frosties +

0 Positive Mental Attitude +

123 HPTs this cycle +

>500 HPTs total +

791 - Beta at 20 DPO and 4840 - Beta at 24 DPO

-----------------------------------------------------------

= 1 ICSI Miracle!

No point in uploading all the beautiful BFPs but suffice it to say there are pictures of a vast majority of those 123, the book will need a special photos appendix, there are faint ones, poorly lit ones, trembly ones, progressions and successions, digitals, ICs, Frers, Clear Blues and other. All now conquered with their beautiful test lines darker than the control lines.

As for the scan, know how most -sane- people only have a few over their entire pregnancy? We had 4, of which 2 yesterday! One of which, an abdominal scan performed by Dr. Clueless scared our pants off dating the sac as earlier than our 6 weeks mark and seeing nothing but. (Although, if you saw it and you squinted just a little bit you may had be able to see a white dot in the middle of the "only sac")

The second one was a marvel and despite no measurement being done, there was a HB briefly spotted too.

The next scans are on the 17th -current ObGyn- and 18th - IVF clinic dating scan- and there's also a midwife appointment on the 11th.

Still wondering what I am going to do with myself now that I am not undergoing IVF or peeing on sticks! I mean there's only so much time being nauseated and having an upset tummy takes. Or even so much time one can nap. No, strike that, it seems to be unlimited these days, yesterday I suddenly fell asleep in the car X 2, in the doctor's waiting room X 1, while getting the progesterone X 2, on the couch X 2 and even on a chair X 1! Anyone else finds they may be a danger on public roads now that coffee is not an option and lights seem to be out at random times and swiftly?

Maybe it's time I smiled a broad "yippie, we did it" kinda smile, held my Viking's hand tight and proceeded to get new definitions. From all points of view.

So there we are, welcome to the rest of our life, we found Clive, now we're filling this in:

After a morning of tears with a scan showing nothing but a sac at 5 weeks and 4 days -3 days bellow my 6 weeks- we booked another one because we were frantic!

Following this latest inconclusive scan I shall pronounce myself pregnant as per plan till the next scan -which is on the 17th to this clinic and the 18th at the IVF clinic lol- because this lady thinks she saw a heart beat. So does the Viking, he's been going around going "blip blip" opening and closing his hand to the tune to what he thinks he saw the pixel do on the screen.

It started bad, she said she only sees a sac then she says "Wait a minute, and a yolk or a pole" and then zoomed in and said "oh look there's something moving and flickering, I think it's the way its heart beats!" and then she spent ages trying to see behind it because she thought she saw something so she was hell bent on finding the second embryo and proceeded to warn us about it sometimes being only one while we frantically tried to make her focus on that one :)

She also found 4 huge follicles which she for some reason measured to be 23, 26, 27 and 30 LOL. I am hoping those are empty or else my body is an indiot!

She gave us no date, no HB rate, nothing so for now I will cling to the fact that for a while there was something on that screen.