LHB the Snowman!

Presenting our snowman!

Unbelievable how it changed, no more confusing yolk sac in the picture, no blurry pod, a clear head with eyes and ears and tiny arms and legs. It's facing us in this picture and we've been shocked to see how big its heart is (the black bit in between the arms).

How come we saw him again? Well it was a combination of things but if I'm 110% honest and I have to be with you lot, I was freaking out. I was also having cramps, the brown discharge those few times and just a general freak out that something is wrong so yesterday evening we opted for some special entertainment and after dinner we set out for the emergency side of he local hospital's gynecology ward.

I'd expected it to be harder in terms of acting abilities, that they would grill me more and I was dreading having to invent bleeding and pain but it went smoothly, I mumbled some answers about cramps, we were vocal on the truth which was that the midwife vanished on us, no calls returned, no emails answered and within minutes they took my blood and tested my pee. We were lucky, it was mercifully empty and the doctor invited us for a consult within 10 minutes.

She started by saying that she was concerned because my pulse is awfully high but she can't do much about it, the mising midwife needs to recommend me to be checked out -with this idiotic of a system it's hard to feel guilty for fibbing to get some medical attention!- she then checked the cervix -ouch!- and gave me a plevic exam and scared us titless saying "well let me just look first, at this early stage it's traumatic if you're watching if I can't find a heartbeat* but thankfully, seconds later, with relief she turned the screen and said "can't measure it but beautiful heartbeat and here's your little one".

And there he was! Our snowman! And we can now wait till the 21st when we see him again at the Nuchal in peace.

P.S. I'm not writing much because I'm incredibly tired, the only times I have any energy are spent hunting for jobs and going to interviews. And to be frank rather depressed as well. Very rather.

The Not so Good, the Okay and the Great

Been 8 weeks for 12 minutes. Two months pregnant. My baby's now a fetus the size of a raspberry. Only a month to Nunchal scan and only a month till out of the danger 1st trimester zone.

So I've had a couple of brown spots. Not really brown, more like beige and the quantities have been negligible (three times over the past week maybe and no more than a smidgen) but scary nonetheless. Two of them were before the scans so everything was okay after them so I am hoping everything is still ok. I am clearly not freaked out enough when it happens that I want to go to the ER and I could and they would, hopefully, likely scan me again. I take the fact that I am not inclined to run out the door as a good sign.

On the other hand I won't just think pink, because you see, wrong as this will sound, I have one thing that terrifies me more than the idea of a miscarriage and that's the idea of a missed miscarriage. Maybe I'm a tad sick but the idea of that little heartbeat stopping and me carrying a dead fetus simply fills me with panic. I'd do anything to avoid it. If I get a strong feeling that it may be what's happening I will go flying to impale myself on the first dildo cam I can find, but for now, thankfully I don't feel that.

In less gloom and doom news, I can accept the strangest of things ranging from my suddenly sunny disposition and extreme love for the Viking to the fact that I crave salad and fruit -how tacky is that, to be craving healthy stuff?!?- but I can't accept how dumb this little baby makes me! Here I am, applying for jobs at the top echelon of the telecom management (I can has two interviews tomorrow and Tuesday btw, holler!!!) and at the same time I start sentences and am unable to finish them because my mind draws complete, utter blanks. The space where I thought information was committed is now a blank slot. Nothing. Can't recall what I meant, can't find the right word for what I remember I mean, can't remember why I am trying to use the word for the stuff that I recall and mean! This is NOT good.

In even happier news, I have a pregnancy song. What? No such thing as a pregnancy song? Pah, there's one for everything other so why not?!? It makes me smile and think of LHB and makes me think it will all be ok. It's this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU9BPwcPaO4

There's a reason... why I'm feeling so high!

Our Baby's SIXth Close Up - Before it Even Turned 8 Weeks

*stretch* "Goooood morning"

Whatcha mean it's not morning but afternoon and I slept all day since taking dildo pics of LHB?!? I wouldn't have, that's just irresponsible, I only laid here for a second....

So yes, the morning was good, it was great in fact! (Despite, discovering that being in cars stuck in traffic and morning sickness do not mix.)

It was eerie walking the corridors at the IVF clinic, it felt strangely romantic, in that way in which couples keep the hotel where they conceived high on the favourites list.

http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/3481/74015.jpg

The only thing spoiling it was this excuse for art they seem to have decided is worthy of their walls and which, quite frankly would have put me off babies had I noticed it before!

http://img72.imageshack.us/img72/7047/74013.jpg

Our little bumblet's heart is "about 140" which we'll take! And is he behind and measuring badly and such? Only if you measure it without the yolk sac and even then it's doubtful, the papers we got say "Discharged, viable pregnancy, CRL 12 mm consistent with 7+4/7+5 pregnancy". Pretty cool. We have a consistent pregnancy! Oh how I'll miss seeing him! What am I gonna do with myself till the 21st of June when the Nunchal is?!? Me thinks I may have a surprise bleed overnight in a couple of weeks and I will just have to be seen whether I like it or not!

We asked what becomes of our other free IVF goes and made the midwife's nose wrinkle "Nothing, it's one baby only." - "If something happens can we come back?" - "Yes sure, but nothing will, I've seen many pregnancies, you will give birth to this baby" which was sweet if empirical to high heavens.

As we were exiting we spotted a bunch of the doctors we had dealt with and on an impulse I walked straight to Dr. Slimy, extended my hand and enthusiastically shook his "Thank you very much, you made it" he said I was welcome but looked puzzled, clearly nor remembering us a great deal despite the glimpse of "Oh your balls I removed parts of" glimpse when he saw the Viking so I pointed to the three scan pics I was clutching "Here, you made us this" and he took a brief look and beamed "Oh I did! That's wonderful!"

http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/4263/74029.jpg

So we left and walked the corridors all loved up and beaming at each other, clutching our scans and it was all a dream. That is until he was supposed to grab his sodding Coke bottle because I can't hold five things at once and if he's a man he needs to be able to drive and hold a bottle at the same time before complaining, and, let's face it, I don't need to be this close to objects of my desire which I ca't have because he got me pregnant thank you very much!!!

"Geez you're a complete clumps!"

"It wasn't my fault!!!!"

"Oh no, it was Mother sodding Theresa's!!!!"

"You are an ungoodly holder"

Pause.

"No you know what? You're an ass to call me that when you were just unable to use your opposable thumb!!!"

"ARRRGGGHHH why won't you let it go?!?"

"Because you need to get over yourself and get some perspective in life and see you were fecking wrong and should have taken the bloody thing which I was doing you a service to hold temporarily!!!"

"BADLY"

"ARSE!"

Pause.

"I'm sorry baby, I shouldn't have upset you"

"Damn right."

"I should have other taken it in time or shut up"

"That's it!"

"Because I should know better than to upset you now that you are hormonal"

"OMG YOU ARE AN ARSE! I AM NOT HORMONAL; YOU ARE AN INEPT USER OF YOUR THUMBS AND HAVE NO GRABBING REFLEX! NO! Don't answer, don't talk to me, just sodding drive us home!"

I mean honestly.

It's alive!!!

So it was "make time".

After a morning of discontent where things I wouldn't wish on enemies came flying towards me from my mother we drove in silence to the clinic.

As we rode in the elevator I told the Viking:"I'm so nauseated and peeved off that I'm not nervous" - and was shocked to hear him say "Oh no? Good! but I am." as he squeezed my hand. Poor soul, a combination between my other freak outs, his reading of a bloke's IVF journey book "Baby Steps" and just genuinely wanting to make sure there's a "blip blip" must have finally taken a toll on him-. Proof positive males have hearts! :)

We entered and at first the doctor attempted to dissuade me from having another scan with irrelevant arguments the likes of "you are having another one tomorrow morning" but soon enough she realized the only way I was going to move my bum out of her office if if she would allow me to strip and give me some dildo time.

So here's us, moments after she inserted said dildo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9L_aFmGiqBE

Not sure if the sound is working, if not you'll be missing some interesting conversation where she kept calling our fetus "beautiful" and the heart beat "very very nice" which I am sure are medical terms, and my now relieved voice asking if the round, Mars like formation on the right is the yolk sac which it was.

After some gentle persuasion she agreed to measure it but was reluctant and by how long it took her to find the commands I'd say it doesn't quite constitute common practice, chances are it's the prescribing pills and ointments rather than measure CRL kind of establishments. 7.36 mm according to her but she was well shaky to find where from and where to so we'll wait till tomorrow to find out for sure and only freak out after that. If it is indeed only that, it's worryingly small... although according to this it's fine - http://www.brooksidepress.org/Products/Military_OBGYN/Ultrasound/1st_trimester_ultrasound_scannin.htm -

Here's a screen capture since the Viking forgot he was instructed to take still pictures too, complete with Paint-creation-legend.

http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/2075/62513950.jpg

I'm a woman of my word so I will calm down and not be off my rocker enough to be stressed tomorrow again. In fact, tomorrow's hoha invasion will likely be the most relaxed of them all since this all started. Looking forward to it!

7 weeks and 1 days

I'm not the most consequent and diligent of diary writers, am I? Can I blame it on pregnancy? I fear I'll have to regardless, and maybe not in that it made me forget to update, but in that it made me do everything other than update with a predilection for sleeping, mopping about, eating and feeling sick. The past few days have been spent between heaven and hell. Excited, glittery moments of trolling the internet for prams were closely followed by the deepest of depression that I'll miscarry, excited squeals when I heard it's now as big as a raspberry chased by sudden tears at the futility of life and my inability of raising this child while destitute and lonely only to moments later day dream with glee about the colour of the walls in the nursery. Repeat to fade.

As I understand it, all very normal.

On Thursday we visited very dear friends and it's been lovely to first ask if "all all four of us can come" referring to the three of us plus extensive St. Bernhard, then once there refuse the beer for reasons other than dieting, talk about how she found out she is pregnant with each of their amazing boys (the older one always takes pity in the childless entity mommy drags about and lets me hold him or feed him his dinner or such whereas his younger, but clearly smarter brother, demanded to be told why I am back again!) and generally just be pregnant around soothingly amazing people. I've even been one of those annoying people forever forcing their mobile phone screens in the faces of others to see a photo of their baby, except ours was but a jittery pic of a scan of a bunch of blobs.

Friday morning I received two letters in the mail. One is June 21 for the Nunchal and the other is August 3rd for what I suspect is just a routine 18/20 weeks viability one. Makes me believe I stand a shot at retaining my sanity if I get past the following two scans, then invent a need for a third sometime early June and then get me a Doppler.

The evening was spent in lengthy conversations about breastfeeding -that will make up the body of an entire other post- and today we barbecued and it was all rather balmy and relaxing. Well when I managed to stop worrying about the brown spot I thought I saw Thursday evening -not so sure now at all anymore, the theories rage from those firmly in the "Ewww TMI" category to pure and simple knicker-watch-hallucinations!- and more notably, managed to stop worrying about Monday morning.

The way I figure it, it shall be hell Monday only or Monday AND Tuesday because if I manage to survive the suspense and the horrid minutes in the waiting room, as well as the heart ripping silence when the machine cranks up and there's nothing but silence and heads being cocked, then the outcome can only be: A. Extremely bad on Monday morning, no HB, no growth and then we'd still hope till Tuesday, I just know we would or B. Good on Monday morning and then even I would be hard pressed to be worried for Tuesday AS WELL.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I am stonking terrified, I'm less likely to take it as I would have done a few weeks ago, now, at what we call "nearly 2 months pregnant" I've forgotten all the "Ah if nature/God/destiny decide to take Little Human Being away at least I....."s from what used to be an extensive list. I got nothing. So please God, do me a very solid and let me have him.

Met the midwife. Gawd help us.

Well I didn't but it was all I could do not to!!! It started last night and has been so bad I gaged a couple of times but after many trips to the garden to breath fresh air in and out I managed to avoid it. Have I mentioned I hate vomiting? Oh yeah baby, loathe it, makes me want to hurl just talking about it. Which I will have to do some more of. It was a long time too, maybe 2 hours of agony but it settled when I laid down.

Repeat in the morning. I noticed something so ironic it's funny. Food settles it -some forms of food, not sure which ones yet- but food is not a tolerable topic in the middle of the wave so one needs to sit there in stupor of sickness and wait till one can breath, stop puckering and take something in. Very funny system.

It appears I was so bad last night that my evening ended with the Viking kissing me on the forehead and saying:

"Is it ok if I go to sleep now?"

"Wha..?"

"You will not die?"

"Nophe"

"Will you be ok?"

"Nophe"

"So want me to stay awake then?"

"NNNNOPHE FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ok ok, my mom would be most disappointed if you died and I were just sleeping here"

"Sowouldmin"

"Oh yeah, yours would kill me immediately"

"Uhhu"

"What?"

"NOTHING!!! GO TO SODDING SLEEP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OR ELSE I WILL DRAWN YOU IN VOMIT IF YOU KEEP FORCING ME TO TALK YOU INSENSITIVE ARSE!"

So that was fun. Since he was working in the morning I enjoyed my sickness in silence for a change.

As for the famous midwife appointment. It wasn't as useless as I thought it would be.

It was worse!

No joke, she took my blood to ensure I have no AIDS -as did the IVF clinic-, she checked that I had no protein in my urine, said I had Hemoglobine 139 and my blood sugar 4.5. She then essentially spent 45 minutes working out the date of my last cycle as compared to my gestational age, in other words, she accepted that I am right, I am 6 weeks and 4 days but what would have been the day of my last menstruation if I wouldn't have had IVF because her form requires it. And then another 30 discouraging me from ever calling AE or EPU if I have any problems and instructing me to call her instead. Except she doesn't have a direct line, should call on Tuesdays or Thursdays at the reception. Oh! Or email, she sometimes checks that! And there is even a doctor at the clinic, every Wednesday. And no, they don't have a scanner but they are affiliated with a place that does so in under a week I can get sent off to that place! Groovy!

She sent word for the Nunchal blood and the scan and the next time I will see her is August 11 and that, ladies and ladies, is too soon if you ask me!

So that was as useless as I thought it would be, I am now sat here, enjoying my sea sickness bands -which I can't yet rule as working if I'm honest- and thinking LHB and I are kinda on our own midwife wise which is both expected and sad.

Goodbye napping?!?

6 weeks and 3 days

Morning sickness scare adverted now, in particular since this morning I felt utterly rotten. Not in a throw up fashion, more like a combination between deep depression, dizziness, nausea, lack of appetite (say what?!?) and lethargy. Really blah in an undefined manner. So bad that I am deeming that as clear sickness and since it started when I woke up I shall crown it M/S.

On the plus size, I have been so down because I can find no position of the caliber I need and my company seems to be going nowhere fast that I have had little time to worry about miscarrying. Maybe -knock on wood- I am starting to relax into the "no blood no worry" mantra although a few thoughts of "I have never once napped today!" have sneaked over everything else.

Speaking of napping, the only thing stranger than my toilette habits seems to be my sleeping pattern. Just when I thought I had gotten used to the fact that yes, at times I shan't be able to fight it and shall fall asleep while talking, sometimes even while eating and always while watching TV, a new one sprung upon me. Insomnia. Last night I couldn't sleep till 5! And then woke up at 9 all rested and I never napped all day. I shall deem my lack of napping today as diurnal insomnia and note it as the strangeness of the day.

Tomorrow, at an hour that the Viking can not recall (give me a roll of the eyes please!) I have the first Midwife appointment which I suspect will be as useless as it will be boring. I do not need people with supposing knowledge, I typically and sadly know more than most medical professionals in this country, only tolerate some of them because they have toys that show babies inside bellies!

Me: "When will we know this will hold"

Viking: "What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? When will they say it will hold? At 12 weeks, at 20?"

"It's not a question of when they will say it will hold but when you will, just this morning you found another reason to worry"

"But I'm not throwing up, I didn't just make this up!"

"I didn't, don't be an idiot, you heard Wikipedia"

"What are you laughing about, this is important!!!"

"Stop it, it says it's bad, what's WRONG with you?"

"Yeah the great source Wiki is"

"Like you're a better source!"

"Am not but I presume that..."

"Screw you! You make me sick!"

Make me want to throw up!!!

Okay so here's today's issue: Wikipedia says here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morning_sickness

"Women who have no morning sickness are more likely to miscarry or to bear children with birth defects."

Now none of those sounds acceptable. So how much is enough MS? I am nauseated but not every day and not to the point that I am positive I'll vomit. It comes and goes in waves, mostly when I first wake up to get my progesterone but it doesn't last and if I fall back asleep, by the time I awake it's gone. If anything the first thing I am is hungry when I wake up.... And even the waves in the morning are no different than the sort of nausea one gets if waking up at an unusually early hour and their blood sugar is very low. Makes sense?

So as compared to the stories of hugging toilettes this is nothing and it's worrying me. I would have thought that I am compensating with a bad tummy since it plays the same role of evacuating bad stuff but I can't find literature to support that.

So I'm calm for now but when do I start worrying? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't have symptoms, if nothing else my Pam Anderson (.)(.)s and my hundreds of trips to the ladies' are clear enough and I get all the nine yards, the craving and the hunger, the repulsion and the gaging followed by the snatching and devouring, the strong smells, the dizziness, you name it. I am just not sick enough!

And I know there are tens of hundreds of stories of women who never throw up and still make healthy babies but you saw what the almighty Wikipedia had to say!!!

Countdown to freak out initiated!

The way I seem to now roll

Okay here's one for you, pouring vinegar over a bag of potato chips and thinking it's amazing: Normal, right?

The Making of Little Human Being

Despite our doubts and fears -how much paranoia is normal in the first trimester before medication is needed?!?- we are pregnant. We are making a Little Human Being.

Not a moment too soon either, we've crunched some numbers:

1 devastating Infertility diagnostic: Azoospermia +

2 Surgical Sperm Removals, both finding Clives +

4 years TTC +

2 IVF cycles in 2 countries +

25.000 Euro +

190 pounds lost +

567 days without smokes +

37624 Vitamin pills and folic acid +

66 Acupuncture needles +

16 mature eggies +

4 embies put back in +

0 frosties +

0 Positive Mental Attitude +

123 HPTs this cycle +

>500 HPTs total +

791 - Beta at 20 DPO and 4840 - Beta at 24 DPO

-----------------------------------------------------------

= 1 ICSI Miracle!

No point in uploading all the beautiful BFPs but suffice it to say there are pictures of a vast majority of those 123, the book will need a special photos appendix, there are faint ones, poorly lit ones, trembly ones, progressions and successions, digitals, ICs, Frers, Clear Blues and other. All now conquered with their beautiful test lines darker than the control lines.

As for the scan, know how most -sane- people only have a few over their entire pregnancy? We had 4, of which 2 yesterday! One of which, an abdominal scan performed by Dr. Clueless scared our pants off dating the sac as earlier than our 6 weeks mark and seeing nothing but. (Although, if you saw it and you squinted just a little bit you may had be able to see a white dot in the middle of the "only sac")

The second one was a marvel and despite no measurement being done, there was a HB briefly spotted too.

The next scans are on the 17th -current ObGyn- and 18th - IVF clinic dating scan- and there's also a midwife appointment on the 11th.

Still wondering what I am going to do with myself now that I am not undergoing IVF or peeing on sticks! I mean there's only so much time being nauseated and having an upset tummy takes. Or even so much time one can nap. No, strike that, it seems to be unlimited these days, yesterday I suddenly fell asleep in the car X 2, in the doctor's waiting room X 1, while getting the progesterone X 2, on the couch X 2 and even on a chair X 1! Anyone else finds they may be a danger on public roads now that coffee is not an option and lights seem to be out at random times and swiftly?

Maybe it's time I smiled a broad "yippie, we did it" kinda smile, held my Viking's hand tight and proceeded to get new definitions. From all points of view.

So there we are, welcome to the rest of our life, we found Clive, now we're filling this in:

After a morning of tears with a scan showing nothing but a sac at 5 weeks and 4 days -3 days bellow my 6 weeks- we booked another one because we were frantic!

Following this latest inconclusive scan I shall pronounce myself pregnant as per plan till the next scan -which is on the 17th to this clinic and the 18th at the IVF clinic lol- because this lady thinks she saw a heart beat. So does the Viking, he's been going around going "blip blip" opening and closing his hand to the tune to what he thinks he saw the pixel do on the screen.

It started bad, she said she only sees a sac then she says "Wait a minute, and a yolk or a pole" and then zoomed in and said "oh look there's something moving and flickering, I think it's the way its heart beats!" and then she spent ages trying to see behind it because she thought she saw something so she was hell bent on finding the second embryo and proceeded to warn us about it sometimes being only one while we frantically tried to make her focus on that one :)

She also found 4 huge follicles which she for some reason measured to be 23, 26, 27 and 30 LOL. I am hoping those are empty or else my body is an indiot!

She gave us no date, no HB rate, nothing so for now I will cling to the fact that for a while there was something on that screen.